Edoropolis Emporium

This is a Pizza Cat story I'm vvorking on vvith a friend,. As you can tell from the title it concerns the couple, Speedy and Polly. So if you're a Guido lover or think Speedy is a goof or doesn't deserve Polly (He does) I suggest not reading this.

All others, this is part one, enjoy!!


I don’t own Samurai Pizza Cats. The song is ‘It Must Have Been The Missletoe by Barbara Mandrell

The Christmas tree sat right in the middle of the main forum brightly decorated with ornaments and lights. Polly and Speedy were finishing putting the decorations upon it happily before the restaurant opened for business. This Christmas was a particularly special one for Speedy and Polly for it was the first Christmas they were spending as a couple. It had been exactly three months since the comet was destroyed by Speedy and he and Polly had fully declared their love. They had been a steady couple since then.

Polly peeked around the side of the tree where Speedy was and playfully took a spare ball and threw it at him, letting it swish past him and bounce against the wall. Speedy turned around fast and saw Polly giggling. Speedy frowned playfully and picked up another ball. Polly laughed as Speedy chased her around and around the tree. He threw the ball at her, missing her by a mile and hid behind the tree. Polly stopped and carefully walked around the tree looking for Speedy, who promptly jumped out from his hiding place and grabbed her, twirling her around and around. They finally fell down in a heap on the floor laughing all the while. Polly looked up at Speedy, who had fallen on top of her. “Speedy you’re insane!” she laughed.

Speedy laughed and reached underneath her helmit to stroke her hair. “No, just madly in love!” He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her, softly at first, then deeper and more fully. Polly wrapped her arms around his neck as the kisses grew and grew. Speedy gentily pulled off Polly’s helmit and ran his hands through her hair. She did the same with him. Speedy tilted Polly’s face up and trailed kisses down her neck, then kissing her forehead, nose, cheek and meeting her lips again tenderly.

“Speedy, I love you so,” Polly whispered fiercely.

“I love you too,” Speedy said, kissing her again, deeper than he had ever kissed anyone before! H moved his arms down her back hungrily, passionately, and pulled her even closer. God what had taken him so long to realise his great love for this beautiful cat in his arms?! Just being this close to her was exilerating! The energy pulsating between them…man, if Tokyo lost power the two of them could easily regenerate the whole city with no problem! And to think he had thought he loved Lucielle this whole time! True, there was nothing wrong with Lucielle, she as sweet and kind…but she just didn’t do it for him. There was no real excitement. Her kisses were nice, but they didn’t make anything happen. But Polly…she was incredible! Every day with her was an adventure…and now he could see it so clearly. He had to force himself out of the kiss! He swept her into his arms and carried her into the living room in the back.

“where are you taking me? “ she giggled.

“Just some where more comfortable!’ he said setting her don on the sofa. He sat down next to her and kissed her tenderly, gazing onto her eyes.

“Did anyone ever tell you, you have such beautiful eyes, Polly? They’re like sapphires! I think they’re the lovliest things in all of Tokyo!”

“Oh, Speedy..” Polly said. “You’re so sweet!” she kissed him with all the love in her heart as they fell back against the sofa, kissing again and again as the time slipped by unheeded. Speedy stared and stroked her cheek tenderly.

It must have been the mistletoe
The lazy fire, the falling snow
The magic in the frosty air
That feeling everywhere
It must have been the pretty lights
That glistened in the silent night
It may be just the stars so bright
That shined above you
Our first Christmas
More than we'd be dreaming of
Ah, Saint Nicholas had his fingers crossed
That we would fall in love!
It could have been the holiday,
The midnight ride upon sleigh
The countryside all dressed in white
The crazy snowball fight!
It could have been the steeplebell
That wrapped us up in its spell
It only took one kiss to know
It must have been the mistletoe!
Our first Christmas more than we'd be dreaming of
Ah, St. Nicholas must have know that kiss
Would lead to all of this!!
It must have been the mistletoe
The lazy fire, the falling snow
The magic in the frosty air
That made me love you!
On Christmas eve our wish came true
That I would fall in love with you
It only took one kiss to know
It must have been the mistletoe!
It must have been the mistletoe!
It must have been the mistletoe!

God, how long as it until Christmas? He gazed upon the calander hanging on the wall. That was IT?! December 1st? That was it, 4 weeks to go?! 4 extremely long weeks until he could give Polly her gift. He had gotten it last night and still had it in his pocket, he didn’t even wrap it. “Oh, 4 weeks? I can’t wait! That’s too long!” he thought. “I’ll just give it to her now! I can always buy her something else, I got 4 weeks! But I love her so much, 4 weeks is too long to wait to do this!” He looked into her eyes again. “Oh, Polly…”

“Yes?”

“Polly…I love you.”

“I love you too, Speedy.”

Speedy then let go of her waist and took her hands. “Polly, you are the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful cat in all of Tokyo. I know it took me forever to see that..but please believe me, you’re the only one for me, and you will be tomorrow and forever! There’s no one else for me and they’ll never be! it’s you, Polly, you forever!” He took out a black velvet box and knelt down in front of her. “Polly, I love you more than words can say, and you’d make me the happiest Samurai in all of Tokyo if you would be my wife.” He opened the box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring set in a gold band. “Polly, will you marry me?”

Polly gasped with tears in her eyes. “Oh God…Speedy…oh yes!! Yes, yes!!! I love you, Speedy!!” she threw herself into his arms, kissing him with all the love in her heart.

“Hello, anyone here?” came a voice as Lucielle came into the back. ’Oh!” she said, looking at Speedy and Polly. ’Oh, I hope I’m not interrupting…what a stupid thing to say, of course I’m interrupting!”

“No, no, you came at a great time!” Polly said, standing up happily.

Well then, where to begin. I had to eat a bowl of cereal, do some pushups, and down a shot of nice Smirnoff Vodka before delving into this fan-fiction. Nothing against the author, but I've read one million "ship fictions" and one million times I end up closing my browser or at least hitting the Back Button. This one was short, so I guess I could swallow it. Here is my critique:

1) Your main argument in your post in the main Pizza Cats discussion board shows how Speedy and Polly do love each other in a number of episodes throughout the series. That's fine, you're stressing In Character (IC) development as opposed to Out Of Character (OOC) development. That's also fine. However, you seem to forget that Speedy in, in fact, a really goofy/stupid feline character. Speedy would be the one to make a quick joke, say something random, or be off the wall. Polly is the... Volatile one, the mean, stubborn and tough one, merely coated with a pink/lavender exterior and tough armor. This whole short-story here is pretty much 90% OOC development and context. We get you're writing a love story, that's cool, but at least, at the VERY least, keep the characters as we know and love them.

2) I stress to all the young authors that I've taken under my wing; grammar and structure are your friends, don't be scared of them. Proof-read all your fiction before hitting that "Submit" button. Sure, we all make typos from time to time, which is no problem, but keep everything structured and in consistent tense of writing (the past tense is the most recommended style of writing fan-fiction). This was actually better than I thought it'd be, though, so hats off to you. (As a note; 'helmet" is spelt with an "e" not an "i"). Just a friendly tip. ;]

3) This is the hard one to say and explain, as I've found most relationship supports are deathly attached to the characters they want to see together, and judging by all your posts here in our forum so far, you're a big Speedy/Polly fan. That's fine as well, but there's no need to really express that in every single one of your posts, we all ge the point. Now, as I said, I've read one million fictions of this nature, and one million times, it's the exact same thing. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. Just cut and paste different names into this story and it'd work for any series you could think of, even Star Trek for all I know. Bottom line, if you love a particular couple, that's good, but when you're writing, get some variety in there! When people read these fictions, they want something new and fun to read. This fiction wasn't tough to swallow, but it's bland and been done one million times, you want to catch readers attention, keep writing scenes where Speedy and Polly are throwing decorative balls around at each other, I must admit, I smirked at that scene. Bravo! But... After that it fell into the usual relationship wording and style of uninspired mediocrity.


4) Keep unneeded punctuation to a minimum. Things like exclamation points and exclamation points/question mark combos should be kept to maybe one time for a whole fiction. Hell, I've read entire novels that doesn't even contain one exclamation point. To me, they're not yelling at each other, especially if they're cuddling together under a Christmas tree. When overused, they sound... Juvenile and kind of lame, so it's good not to use an abundance of said punctuation marks. A simple period is all that is needed. (And yes, you don't have to point out that I have used a few exclamation points in this critique so far, I wrote this, I know what's in it, so don't waste my time or yours pointing that out. Thank you.)

5) I haven't checked your profile yet, pollygirl, but I can make a fair judgment that you are between the ages of 14 and 17 at the most. I could take a stab and say 15, but my guess is you're actually younger. That's also fine, the sooner we all start writing, the better, it hones our skills and we can learn from our mistakes. But this style of this fiction does seem a bit... "young." I don't mean that in the sense of PG-13, 14A, or R for instance, but the general feel and context and layout of this fiction just gives me that vibe. I could, of course, be wrong and you could be 32 years old for all I know, but that still means your writing has a "young" feel to it. Don't be scared to go into detail about situations or events, let it all out and forget what people like me, or others, feel about your writing. Write for yourself, no one else.

Other stuff: (Read, the good stuff).

1) Whenever I see song lyrics in a song, I smile to myself, as I know how a particular song affects an author. I have an entire library devoted to writing. It's always a nice touch, so thank you for showing some class. :)

2) I like the narrative style you use between the scenes, speaking of yourself or to the reader directly. It's hard to pull off, but you've actually done a pretty good job of it.

3) Dialogue; always a tough subject. On one hand, we don't want it to be cheesy, on the other, we don't want it to be so convoluted that nobody knows what the hell you're talking about. There were some good lines, to the point, clear, but there were others that were... somewhat cheesy, not as bad as I thought it'd be, but still lingering about. Try to spice some lines up, avoid cliché remarks and actions and keep us surprised.

Closing remarks, I rarely write public reviews like this, I mostly keep it to PM's or emails, but I felt I had to comment on our new member here before she establishes herself as a series writer for our beloved SPC here. Pollygirl, I can tell you got some talent, all we have to do is polish it up, do a little revamping and you'll be on your way. I rate this fiction here, albeit short, a 70% out of a possible 100%. You got some work to do, but you've got the basic stepping stones in place, just make sure you land on them through the path of writing to get ahead of the game. Feel free to contact me by PM or email if you wish to share some pointers or other story ideas as you go.


Your story, minus the song lyrics, is about 926 words give or take.
My review here is about 1126 words, and it was written just under 30 minutes.

Bottom line: Structure, OOC vs IC development and plot is paramount, without that, we got nothing. VARIETY is also needed, keep it fresh and new, especially on a done-to-death subject as two characters falling in love.

Good work, finish writing this piece and I will critique it again.

Uh....I'm in my mid- 20's and a LOT of people think I'm a good vvriter!! Also, Polly is NOT volatile all the time!! She's svveet, kind, and nice a LOT of the time!  Speedy's not a goofball all the time either!! Also, this takes place after BIg Comet Caper and they've both matured some since then.

A lot of people think I'm a good vvriter and like this story and I'm in my mid-20's.  :(

Then show it! You're older than me, but the writing level sounds that of a 16 year old. I know you can do better, so please do.

It's a LOVE story for a KIDS cartoon, what do you want, Gone With The Wind?!

Also, why do you think Polly is so mean?! Look at a few more eps, I don't think you saw every one. Polly can be sweet and kind and thoughtful when she wants to be. She's NOT all vicious and bully-like and mean! Not all the time, she's also kind and nice. Speedy is also serious a lot of the time, especially when they fight Cheese and when he uses his Cat's Eye Slash! Go watch some more eps if ya don't believe me. If ya want me, too, I'll point them out!

I take it you didn't read my wall of text critique, as you think you're merely above it. Don't you think I spent 30 minutes of my time at 4:30 AM for a reason? A simple "thank you for your words" would be nice, but instead you decide to be brash. Whatever, perhaps I shouldn't waste anymore words on deaf ears (or in this case, blind eyes). Best of luck writing, you're going to need it.

Easy Streets, Pollygirl is a good friend of mine, and this fanfic is actually one that her and I are working on together on FF.net. In fact, she should feel free to keep posting her stories here, and she shouldn't have to be afraid of people insulting her for her style of writing. Please don't insult my friend like that again.

Are you people stupid? Have IQ's just dropped sharply since I posted my huge critique? Or did you just skip all the good stuff I said about this AND the other fiction? Give me a break here, if you people can't take a few (or a lot) words of advice or encouragement, then writing is not for you, grow thicker skin and calm down please. Yeesh, get a massage or something, relax.

No, I'm not stupid, and neither is Pollygirl. She feels insulted by some of the things that you said to her, and I was sticking up for her. I'd appreciate it if you could apologize to her for saying those unpleasant things to her. I did read the good things you said about the story, but I also saw the bad ones. Both her and I are pretty successful writers on FF.net, and I've got a few Pizza Cats fics of my own, which I might post here at a later date.

Well I hope you do post them, more writing for this community. But there is no need to apologize for anything I've written, so therefore, I'm not going too. It's like making a meal for someone, but you burn the steak and the person eating it says "You burned the steak." The person who said that doesn't need to say sorry for something the cook messed up on. Same thing here, some stuff was written that wasn't exactly on par, I wrote on it, so I don't need to apologize for merely typing the truth. Thank you, come again. :)

All right. I'll post the first chapter of one of my stories, 'Wedding Bells for Speedy and Polly', when I have time, most likely this weekend, since I'll be busy with work until Saturday.

Then put your money where your mouth is, and I shall R+R as you people say on FF.net

Okay, you got it! In fact, I've got time now, so I'll put up Chapter 1 for starters.