Why I haven't been so active lately...

[Methid Man]

Yes, I'm sharing a piece of my private life out in public... Take it as you will...

This was one of many 'talks' my parents have been trying very hard to drill into my head... I was trying to stay silent...

http://www.hotlinkfiles.com/files/2231139_1yknn/FamilyConversation12.mp3

And people wonder why I'm always miserable... I just wish I had a way out that didn't have to create so many drastic ramifications... Sometimes I feel suicide is the only thing that can set me free...but that's just the opposite extreme...

-- Sam the Methid Man

[Cloud-Boy]

Your parents sound very traditional. Furthermore, they are very set in their ways. It is unlikely that you will be able to persuade them to see things from your view. This method of thinking seems to be somewhat ingrained in their culture. They say it is wrong for you not to be married and they are concerned that you are not married at your age because of their values and tradition. It is nothing against you unless your parents are this way about everything. In any case, it is a very twisted way to communicate concern. Their roots run deep in this issue and while you certainly cannot change their beliefs, they are not helping you any by speaking to you in the manner that they do.

Marriage almost inevitably leads to children and children are not something you want unless you have the job to support that lifestyle. Marriage, as you are probably fully aware, is NOT a way to define your social status unless you wish to go with what is generally accepted. The way you define yourself is up to you. Unfortunately conflict arises when anyone tries to deviate from a norm, as I am also sure you know and that doesn't help matters any. If you are distressed over not being married, you should remember that marriage almost inevitably leads to children even if the agreement to have them is not mutual. And what are children? Something you will pay for for the REST of your life. It's a sobering thought. I'm not saying don't date or have sex. I'm trying to help you put it in perspective.

Suicide is a more complex problem that I wish I knew more about so only take what I have to say about it at face value as I'm seriously trying to make you feel a little bit better here. Suicide, as I see it, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You get one, two, maybe three things or more that seriously weigh you down over the course of a week or a month or for however long and taking your own life seems like a pretty decent idea. Even if you are clinically depressed, you would most likely be advised by a case manager to keep what's near and dear to you on mind as much as you can. Those thoughts which cause one to be suicidal are quite heavy and half of the problem is in their weight because we will dwell on them and let them fester until we're pretty much broken for a while.

In any case, remember that what anyone can say to you is just words. A person can express concern and try to help you through something, but in the end it is you who must do a great deal of the work. However, the thing about being able to vent to someone who will not snap back at you is that he or she may say something that will come across as an epiphany, which may make you feel a whole lot better, if only for a few days.

I will expect you and a few other people to reply to this negatively so I won't be surprised if anybody tramples on any of this. That's okay, too. I won't be offended. I just had to say something.

 

unfortunately for you, you hit the nail in the head with that one. Well done.

Back to MM's problem. I had something similar to your problem, though I was involved into a heated arument about me joining the military when I was in high school. My parents, kinda like yours, are traditional to the max. They wanted me to get a job and settle down and all that crap. Usual Mexican traditions and stuff, including the "lots of grandchildren" part. My mother was saying that if I left, she was going to die. I was depresed, true, but I still didn't listen. I told my mom I would go to her funeral and left. Now they are proud of me, so so they say. What I did was go against them with out resorting to violence, let them know that I was in charge of my own life, and what they tell me are just suggestions. Because of me, my brother did not have to go throught what I did. Today is his 18th birthday, and he leaves for Boot Camp tomorrow.

But you, what do you want out of life? You should try to have your parents understand that these are new times, more liberal times. You should have them know that any future plans you have do not include marriage. And suicide? Come on, I thought you were a man! Deal with your problems. maybe do your parents a favor and meet this girl. You never know, maybe she is a nice woman, maybe you would fall in love. Maybe you just find a friend.

Anyways, I am short on time at the moment, so I have to leave my response short.

Good luck, dude.
And when it all fails, move out and live with a relative or something if living with your parents is really that bad.

[Methid Man]

The thing that really depresses me is that I might end up in an irreversible situation I don't wanna be in. Like Some1else said, marriage inevitably leads to children and that's something my parents expect out of me. I'm afraid that once I have kids, that's it, no more trying to make something out of my own life. I want to establish myself... I want to be rich... I want to go to parties... I want to have fun... You guys really have no idea how much you take for granted because there's so much missing in my own life that most would think life guarantees... Once I have kids, I won't ever get a chance to do the things I've ever wanted to do...

For me, kids would just put a big obstacle in front of my dreams...especially since I don't consider myself father material...

My parents are very good at guilting me into anything. They've put me in situations that they thought would guarantee happiness for me only to bring me disappointment... This marriage thing is bound to become one of them if they manage to pull through with me... I'm just not good at being assertive...

-- Sam the Methid Man

[sans soul]

i just love how all of you are going on about how having kids ends your life and you're doomed to nothing after that. there's no fun, no social activity, nothing to make you happy because as soon as you have kids, that's it. throw in the towel, life's ruined. game over.

i guess you guys forgot that i have a child, and she's the best f*cking thing that ever happened to me. i have lots of fun with and without her, time to myself when i'm not working, and we enjoy ourselves AND our lives, always. if you think children ruin lives, then you all should have come from adoption agencies and doorsteps.

i'm not saying that you should go have kids because it will change your life for the better, but it's pissing me off to hear you all talk about it like that.

if you're gonna discuss being mature and not committing suicide, then grow up and think about EVERYTHING you're saying.

and i refuse to listen to anyone who complains about their problems, but won't seek ways to fix it. you don't like something in your life? then change it so you DO like it. because you can get all the advice and praise and help in the world but it means NOTHING if you don't act upon it.


maybe next time your post will be "hey everyone, i've been through some tough times, but i did something about my problems and changed my life around for the better, and now i'm happy and productive and i want to thank anyone who gave their time and opened their heart to say some inspirational words to motivate me"

good luck
*

[Crow]

*Clapclap* Nice to hear from someone who actually has EXPERIENCE in the matter.

~Rawr

[Mechadon]

For me, kids would just put a big obstacle in front of my dreams...especially since I don't consider myself father material...

What exactly are your dreams? I've been dealing with your depressing situation for years now and not once have you detailed what you want to do with your life. You want to establish yourself, but as what? You want riches, but for what purpose? You need to figure out something you're passionate about, and you need a plan to get there.

Believe me, I was ready to settle for a mediocre lifestyle that had nothing to do with art. It was my decision, not my parents, to go back to school instead of trying to get into an immediate profession.

It sucks that you think kids are obstacles. For me, they are one of my dreams.

[Methid Man]

Aster, you don't know my situation well enough to give me that assessment. If you were to have my family structure and culture, you'd have wished your tubes were tied. My circumstances are completely different from your own. Plus, not that I hate kids, but I don't have any interest in having kids as I don't have the same feelings toward them as you do. Your perspective of things are not gonna help me.

even now, I've contemplated the thought 'cause it feels like I'll never get outta this funk I'm in. in the last yr, I've gotten a divorce, lost my house, moved away from all my friends to a town that I cant even get a job in.. I face possible jailtime for not paying my child support, and will lose my license well before then..."

See, that's just what I'm trying to avoid here. While I can't say that I'm guaranteed to be screwed over if/when I do get married and have kids, there's a good chance I'll stop and say to myself "I didn't want this... I'm with someone I don't love, I have the job of supporting kids that I'm just not up to... And I don't make enough money on my own to support my family... Meanwhile I'm still stuck under the same roof with my parents, my brothers, their wives and their kids...all because I can't make it on my own... And although my friends don't have it perfect, they're out living it up..."

We're all living under the same roof...me, my parents, my two brothers, their wives/my sister-in-laws, their kids...three of them right now, there'll be five soon since both of my SIL's are pregnant...again...

My parents give me the promise that they'll let me live on my own if and only if I get married...but that's like promising me fishing equipment if I can catch a fish with my bare hands...

Another thing that makes things harder for me is that my parents won't let me marry just anybody... They only want me marrying within our culture or at least within my religion. It's not that Albanian women are ugly, most of them are in fact actually quite attractive. The problem is that there's just too little I have in common with people of my ethnicity (I'm the black sheep in my entire family). And it doesn't help that most Albanians marry super-young, some even as young as teenagers... Hence my mom saying "Kids getting married, KIDS!" It makes my mom jealous that I'm already "too old" in their standards. Keep in mind, my family that's overseas are people who love me dearly...dearly, and it upsets my mom whenever my aunt or whoever asks when I'll get married since she doesn't want to tell them that I'm deviating from their expectations...

My parents feel that I'm only setting myself up for trouble if I remain a bachelor or choose to marry a non-Albanian. They keep pointing to me the 50% divorce statistics in America, they point to me any person who's ever said even subtly that it's best to marry within your culture, hell, they even point to Oprah who they claim said the same thing once...

Contrary to what most of you are already thinking, my parents actually do care about me, perhaps a wee bit too much. They're overprotective. "We're not saying these things because we hate you, we're saying this because we love you!" I know they have good intentions, but they don't realize that with the way they're following through and going by past experience, it has a good chance of only bringing me harm in the long run...

Like Some1else said, they're firmly set in their beliefs. It may have worked for them in their lives and they think it's guaranteed to work for me. But I see how outdated it all is and I see it affecting my brothers.

Forget my middle brother, he's a good-for-nothing anyway, but I see how my oldest brother is dealing with it. He's going at it the Albanian way and I see how it's just not working for him but he doesn't seem to want to admit it. Don't get me wrong, his marriage to his wife isn't really the problem, it's everything else that he's going through that come with marriage...and I just simply don't want it. Even my brother disagrees with a lot of what my dad says and does yet like a sycophant he tells me to follow my parents' marriage suggestions...

-- Sam the Methid Man

[Cloud-Boy]

The thing that really depresses me is that I might end up in an irreversible situation I don't wanna be in. Like Some1else said, marriage inevitably leads to children and that's something my parents expect out of me. I'm afraid that once I have kids, that's it, no more trying to make something out of my own life. I want to establish myself... I want to be rich... I want to go to parties... I want to have fun... You guys really have no idea how much you take for granted because there's so much missing in my own life that most would think life guarantees... Once I have kids, I won't ever get a chance to do the things I've ever wanted to do...

For me, kids would just put a big obstacle in front of my dreams...especially since I don't consider myself father material...

My parents are very good at guilting me into anything. They've put me in situations that they thought would guarantee happiness for me only to bring me disappointment... This marriage thing is bound to become one of them if they manage to pull through with me... I'm just not good at being assertive...

-- Sam the Methid Man

I was a Farm worker when I was in my teens. You know what that meant? It meant that I never had fun during the summer. Everyday after school, I just went home, changed my clothes, and I went to the field to help my parent. I loved everything I owned, right down to my socks. The only real thing I took for granted was my childhood, mainly because it was not much of a childhood.

Last time I checked, life never guaranteed anything. Right now, every breath I take, I earned it. Life did not guaranteed it, because for all I know, my computer could blow up right now and kill me. Heck,

And your dreams. Well, I see you are 26 years old. Are you going to college? Or are you working? And why is going to a party such an important thing for you to be an excuse?

And one thing, I wished I cold have a kid to call my son or daughter.














Call me a whore, but this is just a suggestion. Because you, my friend, need some real help.




EDIT...BIG TIME.

Aster, you don't know my situation well enough to give me that assessment. If you were to have my family structure and culture, you'd have wished your tubes were tied. My circumstances are completely different from your own. Plus, not that I hate kids, but I don't have any interest in having kids as I don't have the same feelings toward them as you do. Your perspective of things are not gonna help me.

even now, I've contemplated the thought 'cause it feels like I'll never get outta this funk I'm in. in the last yr, I've gotten a divorce, lost my house, moved away from all my friends to a town that I cant even get a job in.. I face possible jailtime for not paying my child support, and will lose my license well before then..."

See, that's just what I'm trying to avoid here. While I can't say that I'm guaranteed to be screwed over if/when I do get married and have kids, there's a good chance I'll stop and say to myself "I didn't want this... I'm with someone I don't love, I have the job of supporting kids that I'm just not up to... And I don't make enough money on my own to support my family... Meanwhile I'm still stuck under the same roof with my parents, my brothers, their wives and their kids...all because I can't make it on my own... And although my friends don't have it perfect, they're out living it up..."

We're all living under the same roof...me, my parents, my two brothers, their wives/my sister-in-laws, their kids...three of them right now, there'll be five soon since both of my SIL's are pregnant...again...

My parents give me the promise that they'll let me live on my own if and only if I get married...but that's like promising me fishing equipment if I can catch a fish with my bare hands...

Another thing that makes things harder for me is that my parents won't let me marry just anybody... They only want me marrying within our culture or at least within my religion. It's not that Albanian women are ugly, most of them are in fact actually quite attractive. The problem is that there's just too little I have in common with people of my ethnicity (I'm the black sheep in my entire family). And it doesn't help that most Albanians marry super-young, some even as young as teenagers... Hence my mom saying "Kids getting married, KIDS!" It makes my mom jealous that I'm already "too old" in their standards. Keep in mind, my family that's overseas are people who love me dearly...dearly, and it upsets my mom whenever my aunt or whoever asks when I'll get married since she doesn't want to tell them that I'm deviating from their expectations...

My parents feel that I'm only setting myself up for trouble if I remain a bachelor or choose to marry a non-Albanian. They keep pointing to me the 50% divorce statistics in America, they point to me any person who's ever said even subtly that it's best to marry within your culture, hell, they even point to Oprah who they claim said the same thing once...

Contrary to what most of you are already thinking, my parents actually do care about me, perhaps a wee bit too much. They're overprotective. "We're not saying these things because we hate you, we're saying this because we love you!" I know they have good intentions, but they don't realize that with the way they're following through and going by past experience, it has a good chance of only bringing me harm in the long run...

Like Some1else said, they're firmly set in their beliefs. It may have worked for them in their lives and they think it's guaranteed to work for me. But I see how outdated it all is and I see it affecting my brothers.

Forget my middle brother, he's a good-for-nothing anyway, but I see how my oldest brother is dealing with it. He's going at it the Albanian way and I see how it's just not working for him but he doesn't seem to want to admit it. Don't get me wrong, his marriage to his wife isn't really the problem, it's everything else that he's going through that come with marriage...and I just simply don't want it. Even my brother disagrees with a lot of what my dad says and does yet like a sycophant he tells me to follow my parents' marriage suggestions...

-- Sam the Methid Man

Now this is a different tone, none of that "gonna ruin my life"Bullshit here.

Now, the way I see it, you are almost like me, You don't embrace your culture as tightly as you parents, which is good, don't worry about it. The thing is, you seem to have your back against the wall. What disturbs me is the fact that it seems that your parents turn a blind eye to the situation that your brothers are in, almost like that is the way they are supposed to live.

You know what you should do? Just screw it, do what You want. Yes, your parents will be upset, and it may hurt your relationship with them for a few months, but in the end, if they truly love you, they will accept your choices. You just have to have confidence in your self. And don't compare yourself to your friends, you should look at them and say that you want to do better. They are out at a party? Screw them, go get a good job. They are having fun? Screw them, make a better man of yourself. Hope you get what I am trying to tell you, I really have trouble communicating in writing the way I do verbally.

And I can tell when that you parents care for you, like I said, my family is the same, just less radical. Less.

[sans soul]

all i want to know is this...

if you are complaining SO MUCH about your horrible life,

then WHY are you defending it so much???

you know why everyone is getting pissed off at this thread? because you're just bitching and complaining about something personal that you should have probably kept to yourself, and also threatening to kill yourself.... YOU yourself have put us ALL in a position where we have to tiptoe around our words and assure you that your problem is not worth ending your life... because none of us want you to do that, we would ALL prevent that from happening if we could. but you are abusing our efforts to help you and make you understand that ultimately YOU are in control of YOUR life, and YOU are the one who needs to change it, regardless of your fears, hesitation or worries.

STOP BASHING on all the comments we're leaving. don't you see that everyone is giving you their words of advice from experience so that you can do something about your situation? we're trying to offer serious help, not a pity pat-on-the-back... so if that is what you are after, then you may as well delete this entire thread because no one here is gonna give it to you.

take some advice, suck it up, and DO SOMETHING... and no more crap about "you don't understand, there's nothing i can do" because if that's your attitude then you will never be happy, never resolve your problems, and never have a positive outlook on your life. you will drown in self-inflicted misery and those who tried to help won't care.

a wise religious person once said "god helps those who help themselves"

[Crow]

Methid, I've been thinking about this post all day and how to respond to it.  Then I come back and see all this tacked onto it.

Look.  I'm 20.  I live trading off between my father and mother, both of which have trouble supporting the kids.  I have no high school diploma, no G.E.D., am unemployed, haven't been able to find a job, am a virgin, haven't even dated a girl in over 5 years, never been to a party, never done a drug, never been drunk, never get to "hang out" with friends, was an outcast all through school, and I spend my days talking to people I don't know on a computer.

My point is that if you commit suicide, I'm going to be seriously pissed off.

At least you have a Level 80 NE Priest.

That has to count for something, right? ........ Right?

~Rawr

[Methid Man]

First off, I do appreciate the advice everyone is giving me. Thank you all for trying to give me potential solutions to a very difficult and stressful problem I have.

Second, Aster, I don't know what to say about you... Why do you insist that I'm antagonizing everybody here? Where do you get the idea that I'm only bringing down everyone in this thread? I may come off pessismistic, but if there's anything a harsh life has taught me, pessmism can indeed help by pinpointing what options you have left, and that's just what I'm trying to do here. I'm only trying to find out from everyone's suggestions which solutions can and can't work. I already know moving out is the only real solution I have, but that in itself is a task that I have to figure out how to pull off. You have to understand, these are people who actually have good intentions but don't realize the harm they're doing. They do actually love me and are seriously looking out for me. My dilemma is that I want to escape but at the same time I don't want to slap them in the face for the good they have done for me. For crying out loud, is it wrong for me to try to forge a plan with other people's help and advice? And since when is it wrong for someone to expect a little bit of hope in the words of a few friends?

I don't want to use my mod abilities to delete your replies since that would be abusing them, in fact, thinking about it now I shouldn't have deleted Burke's first reply earlier, I was a little too emotional then, so I'm just gonna say that if you're not gonna make a reply that won't maintain the attitude you're using here, you're welcome to leave this thread.

Speaking of mod abilities, I worked pretty hard to make my way up to being a moderator. Too often I've been in forums where the mods would use their mod powers to arbitrarily rape my posts just because they didn't like them. Most took place in forums where I was a newb. One reason I decided to become a mod after Supersonic asked me to was because I wanted to give myself a position that would give me some control to attempt to actually help others and maintain fairness, not wave my cock around and act like a kid running around with a gun in his hands. Of course, a moderator is nothing to really be proud of, but it has given me an opportunity to make good use of authority.

That's one of my dreams... To be in a powerful position that would allow me to improve things for the needs of the little guy. Already I see I've accomplished that pretty well here and maybe someday I can try to be a manager for bigger things out there.

But for now, I have to get myself out of the rut I'm in. All my life I've been living for others rather than myself...and I'm being expected to have children with someone I might not even love. Think about it. It's not just having kids being an obstacle for me but also because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ended up bringing a child into the world under such circumstances... It's just simply wrong and inhumane. I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted to bring your child into that situation, Aster.

......................

Wait, you and Burke had a kid already? o_o


-- Sam the Methid Man

[Mechadon]

Wait, you and Burke had a kid already? o_o


-- Sam the Methid Man[/font][/color][/size][/b]

I let her clear this up fo you. I might say something stupid. Have to type is so hard now.