Quick part of a fanfic I wrote durring lunch.
Speedy’s not so wonderful life by Truro
Speedy Cervichi had hit a rough patch. Despite being the leader of the Samurai Pizza Cats he received little to no respect from his peers. The main problem? Guido.
Guido Anchovy was tall, dark, handsome and had a voice like silk. While Speedy had trouble getting a work mate to have a cup of tea with him, Guido always had at least five dates a week. Speedy found it frustrating how Guido could go out for an afternoon and come back with at least three girl’s phone numbers.
Also Speedy wasn’t getting any further in his crusade to win Lucile’s affection over Guido. Or ‘The Ram Wars’ they called it a few years later.
Not to mention how the battles went. Guido usually remained cool and collected, while Speedy was berated for overreacting to the tiniest threats to his life. Francine even told Speedy that there was small talk amongst the Rescue Team saying that Guido would make a better leader.
The most worrying thing about that statement was that Speedy could actually understand why they’d say that. Guido often kept cool in a crisis and could use his weapon in a lot more interesting ways than Speedy could.
Make what you will of that last statement. According to the girls around town, it’s true in every sense of the word.
On a busy work day at the pizza cats’ parlour they were interrupted by a loud rumble. On the television screen hanging in the corner to keep the customers entertained the news showed the latest giant monster to attack the city – A strange contraption with a fire engine for a torso, a motorcycle and a police car for legs, a helicopter and an ambulance for arms and of course, a crow’s head.
Polly Guido and Speedy leapt into the faux garbage cutes to assemble their fighting uniforms and launch to the rescue.
The trio landed on a rooftop behind the monster.
‘Now to draw their attention with our usual introduction!’ said Polly with spunk.
A light bulb clicked in Speedy’s head. They were behind the monster. Nobody had seen them land. For once, they had the element of surprise on their side. If he could single-handedly destroy the monster before the Bad Guys even knew they were there, it would prove to the others that he was still the best choice of leader.
‘No.’ he said as he drew his sword.
Polly’s mouth dropped open.
‘But I want everyone to be looking at me!’
‘True.’ said Guido with his arms folded ‘Polly’s always been an attention whore.’
A pink metal fist shot into his mouth.
Guido and Polly’s relationship was a strange one. Polly bellievedd Guido to be a smug smooth operator. Guido found Polly endearingly thick headed yet annoyingly bad tempered yet. Both were totally correct and it didn’t stop them from going salsa dancing once a week.
As Guido wiped the blood from his lip and Polly waved her finger at him, Speedy leapt down behind the monster with purple fire swirling around his sheath.
He drew from the hidden chamber the Magical Ginzu Sword: a weapon radiating with yellow energy.
Bad Bird the best ninja in Little Tokyo sat in the robot’s cockpit, happily swinging the metal beheemoth’s arms into buildings.
‘I haven’t had this much fun since I got that cheat sheet for Grand Theft Auto San Andreas!’ he cackled to himself. This guy really needs a social life.
‘At least I can actually spell behemoth.’
He’s got me there.
All of a sudden, just as the ambulance arm was about to smash into another building, Bad Bird recognised the building and stopped the arm in the nick of time.
Whatever Bad Bird’s reason for doing so, Polly and Guido realised the same thing. Tragically, Speedy didn’t.
As he smashed his twin blades downwards, sending a huge gold wave of energy at the monster he was death to his team mate’s cries of ‘No Speedy!’ ‘Don’t do it!’ and ‘Stop you idiot!’
In a blinding flash the robot exploded but not before the wave of energy smashed it into the building reducing it to rubble. Bad Bird escaped just in time to avoid being an alternative to roast chicken.
Speedy smiled with triumph. He had just set a new record for destroying the giant monster. He turned to face his two sidekicks only to have something small, red and downright furious bashed him in the face, sending him flying to the ground with a crash.
‘You idiot!’ Polly screeched ‘What the hell were you thinking?!’
He couldn’t believe it. Speedy thought his actions would merit praise and acceptance.
‘But…but I just saved the city!’
‘Look at what you destroyed in the process, genius.’ Said Guido pointing towards the wreckage.
Speedy’s face turned as white as his armour. He dropped to his knees. He didn’t think it possible.
Little Tokyo Orphanage.
He had destroyed the orphanage.
Bad Bird landed on a nearby rooftop.
‘You make me sick, Speedy!’ he cawed ‘Even Bad Guys have standards!’ he then flew away in disgust.
It can only be described as a divine miracle that the inhabitants of the orphanage were on a field trip at the time of the attack. Except of course for the janitor who was on the toilet at the time and survived, but was still caught with his pants down.
On the imaginary Island of Sodor The Fat Controller of the Railway network has an annoying habit of showing up quickly at the scene of an accident. The Pizza Cats’ own Fat Controller (Al Dente to everyone else) did likewise.
‘In all my years I have never seen such recklessness. Now where are the orphans going to sleep?’
Speedy’s eyes turned to his feet.
‘Yeah!’ Polly piped up ‘Where are they going to sleep Speedy?’
Al Dente turned to face the three cats.
‘This is the worst thing you bumbling fools have ever done!’
‘But…!’ Polly and Guido started.
‘No buts!’ Al barked. ‘I want to have a serious word with the three of you after work tonight.’
With that ominous silence he turned and walked back to the palace.
Guido shook his head and looked at Speedy.
‘Way to go knuckle head.’ He said with venom, walking away.
Polly unable to express her feelings in any way other than with her fists expressed them by giving Speedy a black eye.
‘You worthless jerk! I had five dates tonight!’ She stormed off. Before rounding a corner she turned to face Speedy again.
‘And now I have to cancel one of them!’
At work, Speedy’s life was hell for the rest of the day. Washroom duty was usually bad punishment, but today it was even worse. Nobody spoke to him. What would Lucile say?
Then of course, when the time came for the meeting with Big Al, Speedy decided that it was too much. He ran to his room and picked up a small sword.
‘I’m going to commit seppuku! Goodbye cruel world!’
No! Don’t it Speedy!
‘Why not?’
Not many people will understand a seppuku joke!
‘It’s a Japanese ritual suicide! Make the readers do their own research! Goodbye cruel world!’
You can’t slice yourself open, Speedy!
‘Give me one good reason!’
You’ll never get the bloodstains out of the carpet!
‘I’ll be dead! Let someone else clean it up! Goodbye cruel…’
Oh for ****’s sake…
Speedy, you pixel-brained idiot. Do you really want to take that way out?
‘I don’t see why not! Everybody would rather have Guido as the leader anyway!’
Then let me show you what it would be like if Guido was the main character.
‘You can do that?’
I can do whatever the hell I like. I’m the writer, so I’m God as far as this story is consirned.
‘I didn’t know God couldn’t spell concerned.’
Shut up.
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